I find it hard to focus.
Not because I can’t focus, but because I have serious anxiety about missing out. Or as the cool cats say these days – totes FOMO.
I have to try, really try, to just keep my head down. Even when I’m in flow and things are good with productivity, something in me wants to know what else is happening.
Even while writing this blog post, I’m flitting across multiple tabs mid sentence, at the end of each sentence, after I’ve deleted words – there’s no rhythm or rhyme to the flitting, it just happens.
At some points I don’t even realise I’ve done it, until I realise I’m not focusing on the one thing I was meant to be focusing on.
I don’t get disconcerted by it, and I certainly am not bothered by it, but it is something I’m highly mindful of.
Which gets me thinking about how I practise mindfulness.
As a concept, I’m totally bought into it. I get it, I understand it, and I’m with it.
It’s just I can’t motivate myself to do it alone.
I’m such a people person, I need alone time with other people. That is, I can sit quietly in a room full of other people doing the same thing, and be totally motivated to do what I’m meant to. Put me in a room by myself, and it’s hopeless. Before I even try and start my mind is actively finding ways for me to do something other than practise mindfulness.
That presents a real challenge then as a practitioner of all things people related. I advocate it, and am honest that I find it difficult. I wonder, then, if I have diminished the practise before it’s even begun, because I can’t relate to when I do it?
Because, you see, when I practise mindfulness, I’m active. Not in the ADHD sense – although part of me is now paranoid that it might be. But I’m doing something while I’m being mindful. For example, when I recite morning prayer (the Japji Sahib in Sikhi) – it’s when I’m on a train packed full of commuters all going about their hustle and bustle. I’m highly aware of my fellow commuters, and the busy-ness, but I can block it out because I am in their presence.
It’s complicated living my life.