>I often end up thinking about what those close to me say to me. This ends up being an interesting exercise where I have whole conversations in my head. Joe: “You’re a twat.” Me: “Where did that come from? Have I not been a good friend? Have I not been trying? Why are you accusing me of such things?” Joe: “Because you are.” Me: “Bastard. He has no idea of what’s going on in my life. If only I told him that’d set him right the self righteous double standards prick.”.
And then I remember what many people have said to me over the years which forces me to reconsider my position – actions speak louder than words. Fuck me (please excuse the language) the amount of times this has come true. And what it reminds me most about is how each of the important people in my life need something different from me. That’s not as exhausting as it sounds. But it’s often just the first step which is difficult. After that you remember what you’re meant to do and you just do it.
So where does this take me? On a fucking crazy journey of self awareness. By God, do I hate doing this. Having to listen to what (important) others are saying to me? Not even about me but to me. I am great and wonderful, why are you telling me anything else? Oh, ‘cos I’m being a cock. Well first, fuck you (I really am trying not to but it serves its purpose). Second, and only after I’ve had time to really let it sink in, maybe, just maybe you’re right. And next? Right, of course I have to act. Bollocks. Less talking, more action.
See, my problem is I love to talk! I was always taught talking through solves everything. I always knew doing was just as important but I didn’t like that bit. Because that means you have to admit you were wrong. On many occasions I have had to take stock of what I was not doing. When I was re-sitting my ‘A’ levels and my head of year and tutor had to sit me down with my mother to make me understand how just being nice wasn’t enough to pass my exams. Boy did that ever register. Or when I told Jim and Joe I thought doing a degree was the wrong choice for me and they told me to shut up and stick with it. Seriously thankful for that. Or when Mrs P told me to stop being so abrasive with certain people. I didn’t want to but she was right.
When you’re forced to take stock of these things in your life, you have to act. It’s the only thing that shows those important to you that you’ve heard what they’re telling you. If you don’t you’re just being a cock. I don’t like being a cock. Worse, I don’t like being a conscious cock. You know. When you know you should be acting differently but you don’t. ‘Cos you’re being a cock for no reason.
So my learning is this. I’ll always reform. But I’ll always need to be told to stop being a cock. But when I do reform I live a far better life. I feel that I am growing. I go all fuzzy inside knowing I’m doing the right thing. I like knowing that those important to me are feeling valued by me. I then have no doubt that I’m doing the right thing.